


so where do you want me to go?

by orphan_account



Series: reality is a dream and dreams are like a reality [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cherry bomb era, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 06:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13898019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: donghyuck hurts himself and renjun, jeno and jaemin cheer him up





	so where do you want me to go?

**Author's Note:**

> just a disclaimer: in no way shape or form i'm saying that nct mistreat donghyuck. this just takes place right before cherry bomb, during the time that dumb ass "scandal" was occurring. i love donghyuck to bits and pieces and so do the members. i'm just depressed and emo so this is the medium i decided to use to express that. thanks for clicking on this fic, i hope you like it. 
> 
> also this is inspired by glow by stray kids, my other babies. yall should listen to the song it claps.

_Don’t know any other way_  
_Only looked at one place for a long time_  
_**So where do you want me to go?**_  
_Look at the night sky, look at the stars_  
_It’s like us, shining brighter in the darkness_

**glow; stray kids**

* * *

Despite being the youngest of the group, Lee Donghyuck never really complains. He doesn’t tell anyone he’s tired, because he knows his hyungs are twice as exhausted. He doesn’t say that promotions are difficult, because nobody else complains. He doesn’t say the hate gets to him, because nobody liked seeing Haechan unhappy– that’s not what he’s for. He doesn’t say it hurts when they brush him off as mischievous or annoying or a brat, because he knows it’s true, even if they’re joking. And most of all, he never cries in front of any of his hyungs, even when he’s it feels like his heart shouldn’t be beating.

Most of the time, Donghyuck doesn’t think that they even notice. None of the members really baby him; that’s Sicheng-hyung’s role in the group. They don’t really hype up or gas him either, that’s Mark’s role in the group. Most of the time, Donghyuck doesn’t even feel like he _has_ a role in the group; maybe he was just added because an even number of members make dance formations difficult. He’s heard more people refer to Mark as the maknae than him and it hurts when nobody corrects them. At some point, Donghyuck couldn’t even bring _himself_ to correct them. Maybe Donghyuck was the main vocalist of NCT 127 once but it wasn’t like anybody even cares or remembers that anymore, not since Jaehyun began singing more regularly and Doyoung was added into the lineup. And sure, he was a decent dancer but not a particularly talented one, especially not compared to Sicheng or Yuta or Taeyong or Johnny (who miraculously managed to sync his height up with even someone as short as Taeil in a matter of hours).

They’re in the studio again, practicing for Cherry Bomb and Donghyuck can’t remember the last time his muscles didn’t ache, his bones weren’t stiff, his knees weren’t bruised. It feels like they’re been rehearsing the same ten seconds of the choreo over and over again for the past three hours. Donghyuck can tell everyone is getting impatient and irritated with him, being the only one that couldn’t match up with the rest of the members at the bridge.

“Hyuck-ah.” Taeyong’s voice was quiet but emotionless and cold, distant and sharp. “It’s like this.”

Taeyong repeats the move again, counting the beat again, his voice growing more worn the more and more he spoke.

“What’s wrong with you today?” Jaehyun asked. “You’re usually fine with the choreo. You did so well yesterday.”

His voice wasn’t unkind, just tired like the rest of them were and Donghyuck’s head buzzed. _Why_ couldn’t he get it right? He’s supposed to be one of NCT’s main dancers, not that anyone ever acknowledges it. Sure, the choreography was difficult but so was Firetruck, so was Limitless, so was My First and My Last and even Chewing Gum. He had managed to learn choreo and how to ride a hoverboard in a matter of two months; what was _wrong_ with Donghyuck?

“S–sorry hyung.” Donghyuck mumbled. “I’ll get it right this time.”

“Okay.” Taeyong says, sighing. Donghyuck flinches.

They start from the second verse, Donghyuck mindlessly dancing, his body not feeling like his own as he moved. It made him think about the articles that had come out about NCT since his debut, about how they were Lee Sooman’s diabolical plan of world domination with cyborgs or something. As the bridge approached, Donghyuck felt himself grow more and more breathless, unable to control the way his legs were freezing underneath him as he pushed and pushed himself.

 _No._ Hyuck thought to himself. _A little more. Just a little more._

Gritting his teeth, unable to meet any of the eyes that were focused on him through the mirror, Donghyuck forced himself through the music, counting the beat softly under his breath. He wasn’t going to hold the others back from the practice.

 _More. Just a little more_.

The bridge approached, the hardest part of the song to execute properly. Donghyuck watched carefully through the mirror, looking at Taeyong who was at the center to match up with his pace. The move was difficult, but they had been practicing it all day. Doyoung, Johnny, Sicheng and Taeyong have all been able to do it; only Donghyuck was left. He glared himself down in the mirror, fogged and blurred by the heat and sweat in the room. He forced his back to bend, his waist burning and begging him to stop.

He tried his best to ignore Mark’s focused eyes on him, the way Yuta looked like he wanted to say something; he ignored everything.

For a moment, Donghyuck thought he had done it, that he had finally executed the move and they could finally go home after going through the choreo at least once. But his hands didn’t come down at his sides quick enough and his head beat them to it. Everything went black.

* * *

 Donghyuck woke up with a buzzing head, his neck feeling bruised and crooked, tucked in tight under one too many layers of blankets with dim lighting. He realized, it was his bed in the dorms.

There were other people in the room, he also realized and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move or say anything. Donghyuck closed his eyes.

He had fucked up.

“Donghyuck-ah, are you awake?” It was Jaehyun, his voice concerned and quiet.  

“Yeah.” Donghyuck said quietly, disgusted by how hoarse and dead he sounded.

There was a long sigh, shuffling and the door closed. Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut, his heart beating so quickly it felt like he had never stopped dancing, so quick that it felt like it might never beat again. He was really in for it. Donghyuck had overexerted himself and now he’s _really_ gonna get it. Rubbing his eyes and sitting up, Donghyuck prepared himself for what would come. He waited patiently for the hyungs to come in and scold him for not being more careful. Hands shaking, Donghyuck pressed his fingers to his eyes, trying to apply pressure to stop the tears the way he did when he got cuts.

If he was going to get scolded, he was going to get scolded as NCT’s Haechan, a mischievous and bratty dongsaeng. He wanted to make a snarky comeback because he didn’t want them seeing him weak.

The door creaked open, a swarm of heavy footsteps coming in.

“Hyuck-ah…” It was Taeyong, his bleached white hair messy as if he had just woken up. The blinds were closed tightly and for all Donghyuck knew, it could be early as fuck in the morning. He bit down the guilt of waking Taeyong up. The leader was always pushing himself harder than any of them could possibly imagine and he deserved his sleep.

“What time is it?” Donghyuck asked, clearing his throat. “Did I wake you up?”

“No.” Johnny said, smiling softly. It was a familiar and comforting. Donghyuck was thankful for Johnny as he sat down on the bed, carefully tucking himself under the blankets, his back against the wall, his long legs dangling off the end.

“It’s afternoon.” Doyoung said. Doyoung’s hair was wet, indicating his shower. “It’s 3.”

 _How long have I been asleep?_ Donghyuck thought. _What about their schedule? Are they behind track now because I got injured? What about the other hyungs– were they angry at me?_

“You okay?” Johnny asked, a warm hand pushing against Donghyuck’s shoulder. “You were out for a while, we were worried.”

Taeyong pulled up a chair next to Doyoung, both of their faces difficult to read. They looked like they were evaluating the situation more than anything. They didn’t seem particularly worried but then again, Johnny probably lied.

“You hit your head really hard.” Doyoung continued. “Blacked out completely. Manager-hyung had to take you to the hospital.”

“Oh.”

Taeyong spoke, his eyes narrowing. “Be more careful. We have a schedule, yeah? Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Yes, hyung.” Donghyuck looked down, Taeyong’s stare too difficult to meet. “I’m sorry.”

The elder proceeded to sigh, as if that wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“Anyways,” Doyoung said cheerily, “We have today and tomorrow off. The company and manager hyung decided so. We’ll practice and stuff after, so don’t worry about it.”

Donghyuck’s shoulders slumped even more though. He didn’t have _time_ for rest. He needed to memorize the dance and perfect it; he couldn’t hold the group back any more than he already had. He was the youngest of 127, yes, but he was far from the youngest member of the group. Even Jisung could probably learn Cherry Bombs choreography, a boy two years younger than Donghyuck. Why did he even debut?

“Are you hungry? You must be.” Donghyuck noded glumly at Johnny. The elder just smiled warmly at him. “Taeyong go make him food.”

“Okay.” Taeyong looked at Donghyuck sharply. “Don’t leave okay? You two stay here with him to make sure he doesn’t leave and hurt himself again.”

Donghyuck frowned, disliking the tone of Taeyong’s voice. It was ridiculously condescending.

The door shut quietly and Doyoung crawled into the bed next to Donghyuck, his long arms surrounding the younger. It was nostalgic.

Donghyuck remembers, a long time ago, when Doyoung did this often. After a long day of training, unsure of when and how he would ever debut, Donghyuck would crawl into bed like this. He’d crawl under the blankets quickly, so none of his hyungs would see his bruised legs but Doyoung always would. He’d sit next to Donghyuck quietly and tell him he was doing well. He’d let Donghyuck rest his head on his broad shoulder and Doyoung would sing the song he’d been practicing last until Donghyuck could sleep. _None_ of his other hyungs loved him like that, _none_ of them cared like that– only Doyoung.

Quietly, Doyoung pulled Hyuck down until they both laid on the small bunk bed. Johnny joined them and Donghyuck was surprised they all fit. Sure, he was huge but with Doyoung’s broad ass shoulders and Johnny being a tree, it was a miracle. Johnny rested his chin against Donghyuck’s arm and there was a silent conversation going on between the hyungs.

Finally, Doyoung spoke. “You know, we _were_ really worried. Why weren’t you more careful?”

Donghyuck shook his head and shrugged. Johnny hugged him tightly.

“I know it’s been difficult for you lately, ever since the article came out.”

Donghyuck flinched at the mention of that wretched article. The “scandal”.

“I know it’s been difficult yet, I didn’t do anything. Hyung is very sorry, Hyuck-ah.”

Doyoung hummed in agreement. “You’re our youngest, we should be helping you more. I know it may not seem like it, but we really do care about you Donghyuck. You know that, don’t you?”

Donghyuck stayed silent.

“Donghyuck?”

“I just–” He choked.

_God, I’m such a loser._

“I know I’m not doing enough.” Donghyuck said. “I know I should be doing more, be doing better.”

Johnny sighed, “No you’re doing really well, Hyuck-ah. Hyungs pushed you too hard. You’re still in school and you’re also in Dream and–”

“So is Mark.” Donghyuck snapped, his tone cold. It was a sensitive topic. “And he was in NCT U too. He was on _High school Rapper_ and has been promoting songs for the company by himself. None of you baby him, so don’t baby me. Mark-hyung is only a year older.”

“Is that what this is about?” Doyoung asked. “Mark?”

“No.” Donghyuck said quickly, unable to convince even himself. “It’s not.”

“We don’t baby Mark.” Doyoung said. “That’s true. But he’s not our maknae. And we give him many other things. The company, the fans– everyone acknowledges Mark. I’m sorry if you feel like you need to do more to be acknowledged too, Donghyuck. You do plenty, I’m sorry nobody notices.”

“That’s not true.” Donghyuck sighed and then said quietly, “Nana, Jeno and Renjunie do.”

Johnny stiffened, his voice coming out indifferent. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” Donghyuck sighed, pushing the both of them off of him. “I’m going to visit their dorm. It’s just upstairs, so I’ll be back.”  

Donghyuck ran out of the dorm, slipping on a random pair of slip ons and ignoring Taeyong’s call as he ran out.

* * *

 “Donghyuck, are you okay?” Jeno asked as soon as Donghyuck opened the door to their dorms. He was sitting at the kitchen counter eating yogurt, scrolling through his phone. Jeno’s hair was tied up in an apple bun, which would have been hilarious if Donghyuck wasn’t in a rotten mood. The dorm seemed disturbingly quiet considering Chenle and Jisung also lived in it.

“Hm? Yeah, I’m fine.” Donghyuck said absentmindedly, slipping off his shoes and heading directly to Jaemin’s room. “Where are the others?”

“Huh? Oh Kun-hyung took Jisung and Chenle out to buy stuff for dinner. Jungwoo-hyung and Yukhei-hyung left a little bit ago… I’m not sure”

Donghyuck nodded slowly and Jeno followed him quietly, sensing his friend’s misery and deciding to be silent.

When Donghyuck flung the door open, _Moonmin_ was playing loudly in the small room, the remote on the floor at the door and Renjun holding Jaemin in a choke hold on the other side of the room, across from the TV.

Despite himself, Donghyuck burst out into a fit of laughter as Jeno ran over in an attempt to settle their dispute.

“We are _not_ watching _Dragon Ball_ again, you asshole! We watched it this morning and you said–” Renjun seemed very unbothered by the fact that Jaemin was turning an unpleasant shade of pink.

“What the fuck is wrong with the two of you?” Jeno screamed, the scrunchie in his hair falling out as Renjun attempted to push him off.

“Move Lee Jeno!” Renjun said, yelping as Jaemin eventually overpowered him and pinned him down against the rough carpet. He still managed to say, “This is between the two of us!”

“Why are you so _extra_?” Jaemin asked, flashing his signature all teeth smile. “We’re just having a friendly debate.”

Jeno blinked, frozen and shocked by the two’s reaction before sighing. He crossed his arms and ran his hand through his hair, which was a messy jungle of bleached strands and split ends.

“He had you in a choke hold.”

“A friendly one!” Renjun said, turning to the door to see Donghyuck. “Oh! Donghyuck! Mind giving that remote to me? Jaemin get your ugly ass off of me!”

Jaemin did as he was told and ran over to Donghyuck, hugging him in a half bodied, bro kind of way. “You woke up! Dude, Renjun was so worried I swear I saw him cry–”

“No I didn’t!” Renjun said, pushing Jeno out of the way to punch Jaemin’s shoulder, resulting in a loud, high pitched scream. “I did _not_ cry. Not over a loser like you, Donghyuck.”

Despite his mean words, Donghyuck heard the affection behind them. Donghyuck’s shoulders eased, relaxed and pleased to be around his friends. Jaemin dragged him to the bed, picking up the remote to turn on _Dragon Ball_ and clinging to Donghyuck in the quiet way he did. Jeno had disappeared to grab a brush and Renjun was very occupied bombarding Donghyuck with questions.

“When did you wake up? Are you in pain? Have you eaten? Did you take any medicine yet?” Renjun took a deep breath before continuing, “Are you hungry? What did hyungs say? Why aren’t you wearing something warmer? Why didn’t Mark-hyung call me like he promised?”

At the mention of Mark’s name Donghyuck cut Renjun off. “I don’t think he knows I’m awake.”

“I think he’s out with Jungwoo-hyung and Yukhei-hyung anyways, Junnie.” Jaemin said, patting the spot right next to him. “Stop being such a mom. You’re only a couple months older than us, you know.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck said, “Just because Kun-hyung isn’t here–”

“Fine!” Renjun said, plopping down across the two’s lap. Jaemin groaned, trying to push Renjun’s boney head off of his thigh. “I’m just _trying_ to be a good friend and nobody is appreciating my efforts! I deserve better! Lele and Jisungie would love me!”

Silently, Donghyuck really _did_ appreciate Renjun’s efforts. The Chinese boy is very shamelessly affectionate and loving. (Then again, so was Chenle and Kun-hyung. Maybe the Chinese member were just angels, sometimes it’s hard to tell.) Donghyuck remembers meeting Renjun for the first time, surprised by his perfect Korean. Back then, Renjun was still quiet and shy but having someone as loud and annoying as Donghyuck around corrupted him quickly.

Despite knowing Jaemin and Jeno for much longer and being very close with Mark predebut, Donghyuck loved Renjun in a different way than any of the other members. Out of all the members, Renjun probably understood Donghyuck best. There never was a need for words to be spoken between the two of them, only a steady eye contact and everything was already known. They’re practically telepathic. Renjun, in many ways, is who Donghyuck considers his rival but also one of his closest friends. The best part of his friendship with the Chinese boy was that they  pushed each other to improve and for that Donghyuck was forever grateful to Renjun.

“I brought snacks.” Jeno said, a bag of seaweed and shrimp crackers in his hands. “Wait, is this the best thing to be feeding Hyuck right now?”

His hair was out of the apple bun but a mess on his head, strands of black and faded green sticking in any direction.

“It’s fine.” Jaemin said, snatching the seaweed from Jeno, who sat down on the other side of Donghyuck. “It’s better than the crap Taeyong-hyung would try to feed him.”

“Hyung can cook though.” Jeno said, kind and respectful as always. Though, there were times where even Jeno could be an annoying asshole like the rest of them, even if it was rarely around the older hyungs.

Jaemin shrugged. “Shrimp crackers are better than everything. It’s nothing against our leader.”

Donghyuck frowned. He really wished they would stop mentioning the 127 members.

“You’re quiet.” Jeno said. “I know you hit your head and all, but you’re never quiet. Even when you’re sleeping. You snore.”

Donghyuck snatched the crackers from him. “I do _not_! And I’m not being quiet either!”

“Yeah you are.” Renjun said. “Is something wrong? Why’d you come up here anyways?”

Donghyuck shrugged, letting Jaemin shove seaweed into his mouth, grateful for an excuse not to talk.

“Don’t be upset about hurting yourself.” Jeno said. “It was an accident.”

“Just don’t push yourself so hard next time, dummy.” Jaemin continues, this time feeding Donghyuck the shrimp crackers. Donghyuck ate them gratefully. It was quiet for a couple seconds as he munched on them.

“It’s not that.” Donghyuck said. He sighed, “Sometimes, I just get tired of the 127 members. They’re… they’re not like you guys. It’s different.”

“Awww.” Jaemin pushed, squeezing Donghyuck’s cheeks together. “Being little maknae Haechan is difficult?”

Donghyuck pushed Jaemin’s greasy fingers off of his face. “Gross. You asshole, I’m gonna break out now. And no, it’s not that.”

“What then?” Renjun said, subtly taking the remote off of Jaemin’s lap.

“Do you guys think…” Donghyuck groaned, throwing his head onto Jeno’s shoulder. “I don’t know– do you think I should have debuted in 127?”

Renjun snapped his head at Donghyuck immediately, shocked at his words. Jaemin did too, his mouth hung open comically as he was about to eat another cracker. Jeno was the only one who didn’t freeze and spoke first.

“What makes you ask such a thing, Hyuck? Is this what this is about?”

“Kinda? Maybe? It’s just,” Donghyuck shrugged, “I would have been happy to debut in Dream with you guys. I would have been really happy.”

“Were you not happy to debut in 127?” Jaemin asked, his tone indifferent. Despite training for about the same time as Jaemin and Jeno, Donghyuck had debuted before and without them. That was a conversation that has been left unspoken for the past year and though the two never made him feel bad about it, deep down Donghyuck felt guilt. It just wasn’t fair. Jaemin and Jeno, even Renjun who didn’t train as long, deserved everything.

“It’s not that!” Donghyuck said quickly. “I was really happy! I just… I don’t think I should’ve.”

“What you feel like you weren’t ready?” Jaemin asked, the emotionless tone in his voice gone. “I think you were. You did really well during the promotions too, Hyuck.”

“Not that I wasn’t ready. I was like, _really_ ready to debut. I’m really talented and all.”

Jeno snorted, “Shit, I was starting to think you hit your head so hard you forgot to be a cocky asshole.”

Donghyuck flashed a toothy grin, “Never. Anyways, it’s more like I didn’t deserve to, maybe? Yeah…”

“What?” Renjun sounded outraged, his tone making Donghyuck shrink and look down. “Of course you did! They even used your vocals for _7th Sense_ , Hyuck-ah. Not even for just the demo! For the teaser and then the official version too!”

“Yeah, as a background vocal.” Donghyuck scolded, thinking about the day the official members for NCT U was announced. “With a billion noises over my voice.”

For the first couple days, Donghyuck was really happy for his hyungs. Taeyong was the leader, so his role in the debuting unit was already crucial but it could have been any of the other members. Donghyuck was happy Ten-hyung was debuting, as NCT’s unofficial best dancer. He was happy that Jaehyun-hyung was debuting, a triple threat and performer that was skilled in every area. He as glad Doyoung-hyung was debuting, who had waited for so long and sounded like he ate a CD player for breakfast every morning. And though Donghyuck never would say it out loud, he was particularly proud and happy for Mark, who had quite possibly sacrificed the most out of all the rookies for his dreams.

But his happiness and joy for his hyungs twisted into an ugly and bitter emotion in just the span of a couple weeks. Of course, because it was NCT’s official debut, almost all the vocal members had sung demos for _The 7th Sense_ . Donghyuck remembered how he felt when the famous producer had been surprised by his voice, awed and quite impressed. He remembers how red his ears turned when Taeil, Doyoung, Kun and Jaehyun had crowded him afterwards and taken him out for ice cream, proud of their dongsaeng. Donghyuck remembers the quiet arrogance, his absolute surety that he’d debut in NCT U. After all, they had used _his_ vocals in the teaser.

But a couple weeks after that, the debut lineup was announced. And Donghyuck had not made the cut.

Which was fine! There was nothing wrong with waiting a little more. Donghyuck was talented, even he himself was sure at the time, but he was young and there was plenty of time for him. Maybe he was even a little too young to debut, being barely 15 at the time. Johnny-hyung had been waiting for eight years and even he still believed there were things he could still improve on, despite how talented and amazing he is. Of course there was still more that Donghyuck could learn. His dancing ability still was lacking and he wasn’t as stable of a vocalist as Doyoung-hyung was.

So he practiced and practiced. Donghyuck remembers staying up with Renjun, the two out of the 2000 line that lacked in dancing the most according to the company. They would dance to SHINee, Exo and Super Junior while singing over and over again, until they had memorized most of SM’s boy groups’ discography; hell, until they passed out. Donghyuck remembers Yuta and Hansol hyungs joining them from time to time, bringing gallons of water and extra t-shirts with them. By the time _The 7th Sense_ was about to be released, Donghyuck could probably hold a note while doing aerodynamic, Sicheng-style flips (not really but practically).

And Donghyuck was content. If there was anything he could improve, he wanted to try and there were many things for him to improve.

But then one afternoon all the member surrounded to hear the final version of _The 7th Sense_ and to everyone’s dismay, Donghyuck’s sweet, honeysuckle voice was still there. It was a quiet but essential background vocal, a quiet humming that added to the unconventional tone of the track. Doyoung smiled sheepishly, saying that the producers didn’t like his voice as much as Donghyuck’s and that Donghyuck’s tone had worked very beautifully and well for instrumentals. It was only evident at the introduction but it was there.

If Donghyuck wasn’t a bitter and self-centered person he would have been happy that his voice was even _featured_ on NCT’s debut track but Donghyuck is terribly self involved. Is that all he’s good for? A background vocal to blend instrumentals together? Why was he not good enough to be the main vocalist or lead?

“Donghyuck you’re being ridiculous.” Jaemin said, his voice stern and serious. Donghyuck was shocked by his tone. Jaemin was very unable to be anything close to serious. “You’re super talented. Like oozing talent. You probably sweat talent. I’d collect your tears and use them for science to prove how talented you are if that’s what it takes. You must know that.”

“There’s a reason the company chose you to debut in Firetruck.” Jeno continued, stuffing seaweed in Donghyuck’s mouth before he could say anything. “Shut up. Yeah, I can totally out-dance you and make Chris Brown run for his money. But alas, the company saw something in you instead, for whatever reason.”

Donghyuck began to make noises of protest but Jaemin shoved shrimp crackers into his mouth, a disturbing yet pleasant combination of flavors.

“And Renjunnie is a vocal legend and you can’t relate.” Jaemin shrugged. Renjun hummed in an egotistical tone, his eyes told the other three boys that he didn’t really believe the words though.

“Some things are just the way they are.” Nana concluded.

“Yeah.” Renjun nodded and his eyes were clear with a terrible kindness. Donghyuck’s heart fluttered looking at him; had Renjunnie always looked at Hyuck like that?

“But the important thing is that they chose you. Sometimes it’s down to raw presence or vibe. Even something as simple as that makes the stage yours. It’s okay Donghyuck-ah. I don’t mind debuting after you and I’m sure Jeno and Nana don’t either.

Even though we all want to be the center, sometimes it’s just as nice to be the people surrounding the center. That’s how it is sometimes. And I don’t really mind not being at the center all the time if it means I’m sharing it with you guys.”

Donghyuck stared at Renjun in awe, his mouth open and half chewed food on his tongue. Jeno and Jaemin smiled in agreement and it was a very gentle and familiar smile. Donghyuck has spent most of his teenage years smiling with those smiles and the other years with Renjun’s in the mix. It was comfortable and mundane, as if they were just any other group of friends in high school, talking about colleges they’d be attending in a year’s time or people at their school they liked. But they weren’t, what the four of them shared was a billion times better than first loves or the future. Their future was now. Their first love was this dream. And Donghyuck couldn’t think of anyone better to be sharing it all with.

Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun somehow made the situation very clear and very simple. Even if it wasn’t a truth that Donghyuck could accept yet, it was a truth that he could live with.

“Gross! Hyuck close your fucking mouth!” Jeno yelled.

Jaemin pushed Donghyuck off the bed and by default Jeno. Donghyuck managed to close his mouth and chew while he fell off but he also landed on right on top of the other boy. Jeno groaned, yelling about how he must have broken a bone.

“Don’t get food on my sheets! Kun-hyung just washed them!”

* * *

 It was only an hour later that Kun, Jisung and Chenle had returned the market. They decided (more like Chenle begging and doing aegyo until Kun gave in) to make seafood kimchi ramen and Chinese-style dumplings. Kun had fussed over Donghyuck’s skull for five minutes before snatching the chips and seaweed away from them (which were basically empty anyways) and making Donghyuck miso soup with kimchi and ride as a pre-dinner snack. Half dragging him out, Chenle and Jisung managed to get Kun to start dinner, offering to help. Kun wouldn’t leave before forcing a painkiller down Donghyuck’s throat and ruffling his hair in parting.

That left the 2000 line alone in Jaemin’s room for hours. They were loud and probably annoying as hell. They argued over what to watch for thirty minutes before deciding on _Dragon Ball Z_ because as Jeno said, “We’ll all have to read the subtitles then” but that only lasted about half an episode. Renjun decided that Jaemin’s room was _not_ a democracy and stole the controller, which led into an all out war over what to watch. Donghyuck sided with Renjun just because he liked to fight with Jaemin and Jeno, who had decided to side with Jaemin after some casual bribery.

Sicheng-hyung even blew Renjun’s phone with texts saying less than pleasant things about their noise level. Apparently, Jaemin’s bedroom was right above the 127 dorm living room area.

“What did he even say?” Jeno asked, the remote control forgotten.

Renjun shook his head. “It’s really nasty. My mom would smack me if she heard me say it.”

“She’s not here!” Donghyuck groaned. “Stop being a little bitch and tell us.”

Renjun smiled the innocent smile he saved for fans and the other three of them groaned. He was ridiculously attached to his title as the “innocent boy” of NCT, despite how outdated and untrue it was.

“Just tell us what it says.”

After jumping on him and tickling him for about two minutes, Renjun gave it. It was seriously difficult to get him to crack though. Jaemin and Donghyuck had to sit on his arms while Jeno (who weighed the most and is the strongest) sat on his chest. They tickled him until he managed to wiggle his way off from under the three of them, which in itself is a feat, which resulted in all four of them on the floor in a loud thud. Renjun’s phone blew up again.

Either way, he gave in.

Within seconds a very hyperactive Na Jaemin was running out into the kitchen/living room area, screaming at the top of his lungs the Chinese words, “cào nǐ mā!”.

Chenle and Kun were both scandalized and shocked at first but they recovered quickly. Chenle burst into a fit of laughter, almost falling into the the dumpling filling mix he was making. The baby chick of NCT had the infamous look of confusion on his face, his lips pouty and his eyes wide, the knife (ta small and delicate blade, practically a butter knife because Kun probably wouldn’t let the maknaes near sharp objects) he was cutting the octopus with about to drop.

“W–what? Nana-hyung what are you–”

Chenle at this point was screeching more than laughing, his high pitched scream probably hasn’t even been discovered in the natural world.

“Me? You’re talking to me?” He yelled between fits of laughter.

Before any of them could react or Jeno and Renjun could even come out of Jaemin’s room to interfere, Kun took the large wooden paddle spoon he was cooking with, soup still dripping from it and wacked Jaemin on the head with it.

“DON’T SAY THOSE THAT.” He yelled, turning to Renjun as the boy finally came out from the bedroom. He went over and attempted to attack the blonde boy with the spoon. “WHY WOULD YOU TEACH THEM SUCH THINGS?”

Renjun dodged the attack expertly, as if he was used to Kun attacking him with various kitchen utensils. “It’s not my fault! They tortured it out of me!”

“You’re just weak, Renjunnie!” Jaemin said, wiping soup from his hair with a napkin.

Renjun tried to attack him, held back by Jeno and Kun who just sighed, sharing a look of despair but familiarity. This must happen all the time up here.

As Renjun and Jaemin argued, Jeno and Kun tried to mediate and Jisung and Chenle continued to cook in a quiet hum of activity, Donghyuck realized how happy he felt. This was what he wanted. He wanted an apartment full of buzzing boys and members who didn’t mind that he’s clumsy and that it takes him longer to memorize choreography. Members that freak out and make him food when he’s injured. People who will make him feel at home and welcome and _complete_.

There was a time when the 127 members were able to make Donghyuck that happy, but in that moment, those times felt a billion years away from him. Donghyuck couldn’t even remember the last time he smiled in his dorms.

“Donghyuck-ah, I’m told you can cook, right?” Kun said, washing the paddle after easing the other three 00’ liners out into the living room to wait for dinner. “Can you help me?”

“Me? What do you need help with?”

Kun smiled sweetly, leaning over to whisper, “Jisung can’t cook… like at all.”

Donghyuck grinned knowingly, turning to the youngest. “Get out of the kitchen, Jisung-ah. Chef Kun just kicked you out.”

“Wait why?” Jisung looked offended, “I’m making the ramen with him!”

“You suck!” Donghyuck stuck his tongue out, “If you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen.”

Jisung sighed in defeat, his puppy eyes coming out but at this point, it seemed that both Kun and Donghyuck were both immune. Deflated, the two walked out to the kitchen to join the other hyungs.

That’s when Donghyuck discovered: Kun-hyung wasn’t a particularly talkative person, but the silence wasn’t awkward, despite neither of them being particularly close. Donghyuck cut up onions delicately, his eyes stinging but he bared with it. Kun was shuffling around the kitchen on the other side, quietly singing a foreign Chinese ballad while chopping octopi into small bits for the ramen.

“So,” Kun started after several minutes of silence, dropping the seafood into the pot. “Taeyong-hyung called me, ‘ya know.”

His accent was curt and sweet, his words making a “shh” noise whether he wanted them to or not. Donghyuck didn’t speak. Kun’s voice was very beautiful but it was more beautiful when he was singing.

“He’s really worried. They all are, Doyoung and the others. Taeyong made you food. They wanted you to stay in bed but instead you were as rambunctious as ever.”

His words bothered Donghyuck but his voice was light with humor.

“Donghyuck-ah, it wasn’t fair to your 127 hyungs for you to just storm out of the dorm. They were worried about you. You’re they’re maknae after all; you’re their baby.”

 _Their baby my ass._ Donghyuck thought coldly.

“It’s been a difficult time for everyone, including you. I know it well, Donghyuck. I understand how you feel.”

“No.” Donghyuck was shocked himself even by the tone of his voice. “You really don’t.”

“Donghyuck-ah–”

“How could you possibly know? How it feels to be ignored and forgotten? By the people who are supposed to love you, to _protect_ you? They promised me… I’ve known them all since I was a kid.”

To Donghyuck’s surprise, Kun laughed. He had a very cartoony laugh, a sound that could only come from his stomach. Donghyuck set the knife down, gripping the sides of the counter tightly. His anxiety was through the roof in that moment, his heart beating a billion miles a second, the universe spinning of its axis.

“You’re still a kid, Donghyuck-ah.” Kun pulled Donghyuck into a hug, shocking the younger once again. “And no, I don’t understand that kind of betrayal. But, I do know how it feels to be forgotten, to be ignored. I’ve waited a long time you know.”

Donghyuck’s ears burned. Of course Kun-hyung would understand. Maybe better than anyone else even. It must have broken his hearts to bits and pieces, to dust, to see Sicheng-hyung, Renjun and Chenle debut before him. After all his efforts, after all that _waiting_. How was Kun still so effortlessly kind, so… happy?

“I’m sorry hyung.” Donghyuck said, gripping his shirt. “It’s not your fault I shouldn’t have popped off on you, I’m sorry–”

“Don’t apologize to me. It’s okay.”

_I’m still sorry though._

Donghyuck pushed away, wiping his eyes furiously. “How do you– how do you do it? Aren’t you angry? Don’t you… resent them?”

“I did at first.” Kun smiled. “But I don’t anymore. I’m happy for them because I know they’ll be happy for me when I debut. Sometimes, you have to bite back your pride and jealousy, Donghyuck-ah.”

It was a dirty eight letter word and Donghyuck flinched when Kun said it. He could never be so brutally honest with himself and nobody else (other than maybe Renjun, who loved brutality above all) would be so honest with himself either. But Kun didn’t seem to realize it was even brutal. In fact, almost everyone would have lied to Donghyuck out of kindness but instead Kun seemed to tell him the truth out of kindness. It was a cruel kind of kindness, but better than a lie still.

“Focus on yourself; improve. It’s a gift sometimes, this time. I’ve been prepared to debut for months but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I’m gonna keep working towards that and even though you’ve already debuted, you should too. Good things will come to those not who are patient, but to those who are restless.”

* * *

 That night after dinner, Donghyuck went back downstairs to the 127 dorm despite Jaemin wanting him to sleep upstairs. It was a very difficult argument. Na Jaemin, afterall, has had numerous years of practice and knew how to convince Donghyuck into walking off a cliff with him, practically.

 _“I have no roommate and we can play overwatch_ all _night.”_ Jaemin had said.

Despite himself and Jaemin’s promises, Donghyuck slowly walked down the stairs at 10:00 and rang the 127 doorbell. It was a very distressed Taeyong, wearing a snapback and apron over a plain white hoodie. The tension in his forehead melted when he saw Donghyuck. It shocked the both of them it seemed.

“Donghyuck-ah,” Taeyong pulled him into an anxiety filled hug. “You had me worried. You shouldn’t have just left like that!”

“I know hyung,” Donghyuck patted his shoulder awkwardly. He wasn’t sure how to handle an emotional Lee Taeyong. “I’m sorry for making you worried.”

“I had made you kimchi stew with fish cake but you had already left–”

Donghyuck was very full of ramen and Chinese dumplings but Taeyong’s voice was very soft and sincere and Donghyuck felt guilty. He _had_ been jealous and in that he was selfish. He had forgotten the things Taeyong had sacrificed for them; the countless nights he had stayed after to learn choreo to teach to the rest of them, the countless hours of comforting each of them, the countless tears he probably shed that Donghyuck would never know.

“I’ll eat it now.” Donghyuck said quickly. “I’m really hungry, hyung.”

Taeyong laughed, pulling Donghyuck into the dorm and closing the door. Donghyuck slipped his shoes off and followed his hyung quietly to the dining/living room.

“Sorry, Yuta and Sichengie ate all of it.”

Donghyuck smiled sweetly, “It’s okay, TY hyung.”

Taeyong groaned at the nickname, taking his apron off and throwing it on the dining room table.

“Kun probably stuffed you full anyways, didn’t he?”

“Yeah he did.” Donghyuck said, ready to go grab his pjs and shower, but Taeyong stopped him.

“Ah, Hyuck-ah?” Taeyong said, grabbing Donghyuck’s wrist lightly, stopping the younger boy and wrapping his fingers around Donghyuck’s hand.

Donghyuck blinked at him, chewing the inside of his cheek nervously, “What’s wrong hyung?”

“We– I mean the members and I– love you a lot okay?” Taeyong’s ears turned pink as he spoke, his cheeks flushed as well, “I’m sorry that we ever made you feel otherwise. It’s been really difficult lately for you because of the media and more than anyone else I should’ve helped you.”

Donghyuck was taken back; Taeyong didn’t like talking about the incident very much. His scandal happened over a year ago and it wasn’t like it brought it up often. In fact, Taeyong did not talk about it at all and least of all with Donghyuck.

Donghyuck would never forget the nights he could hear Taeyong cry through the thin walls, how sunken his eyes seemed and how pale he looked. In all the years Donghyuck had known that hyung, he had never looked so sad. It was kind of terrifying.

“We won’t leave you like that anymore okay, Donghyuck?” Taeyong let go of his hand. “ _I_ won’t leave you like that anymore.”

Taeyong looked ridiculously nervous, unsure of how Donghyuck would react so Hyuck decided to spare his hyung a small smile. “Okay, hyung.”

And he turned his heel to his room.  

There was nobody inside which Jaehyun must have been at recording for _Night Night_. Donghyuck quickly went through his drawer of clothes and grabbed a towel from the closet in the hall. He dashed into the bathroom quickly; there’s no telling when the shower would be vacant again when there’s nine boys living in a single dorm.

He turned on the shower, gingerly touching the water with his feet until he was warm enough for his liking. Donghyuck scrolled through his phone briefly, deciding on a soft and calming playlist, the one he often studied to. He stepped inside the shower, flinching as the water hit his back.

Donghyuck hummed along to the familiar tune of the western artist, unsure of what she was singing or saying. As he showered, he thought of what Kun had said.

_“Good things will come to those not who are patient, but to those who are restless.”_

Maybe, at some point, Lee Donghyuck wasn’t so tired all the time. Why was he tired anyways? Did he not want this for all his life? Had he not trained for this grueling, difficult idol life for five years, giving up his childhood? Did Donghyuck not always know, deep down, that it wouldn’t be like what he imagined?

Did he even want this anymore? He was still young, what was stopping him from quitting now, to go back to what he was a couple years ago: a normal teenager.

 _No._ Donghyuck thought to himself. _I definitely want this._

Maybe, Donghyuck had been too focused on the amount of words he sang, or the precision of his movements when he should’ve been focused on _more_ . To be better at something you spend every second of everyday trying to perfect is difficult. Donghyuck would keep working toward that. There’s no time for him to be worrying about things out of his control like rumors the media will spread or the lines the company will chose for him. Maybe, if Donghyuck did all _he_ could do, everything else will work itself out.

Kun, Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno and all the other hyungs– they were all waiting for him. For how long, it’s uncertain but Donghyuck was sure of one thing. He wasn’t going to make them wait much longer for him.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments & kudos !! thx for reading lovlies !!


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